Becoming a Civil Protection Hack
by JbearInChief
Summary: This is a short story about Barney's unfortunate journey from a carefree security guard to undercover Civil Protection officer. Although he thinks he knows how horrible it can be, he soon finds out he had no idea! Please read & Review.
1. The Hardest Choice

**ATTN:/ I'm schizophrenic and that's depressing. All of my HL stories all relate to one bigger story-line, but breaking it up into smaller chunks helps it be more readable, IMO. **

**Plus I wanted to put this up because it's been somewhat quiet 'round these HL2 fanfic parts. /folksy talk**

**I'm really torn about two things:**

**Whether or not to even continue with this story line (ie if I'm even doing the awesome story of the HL universe justice)**

**If I should continue posting small snippets of story or save it all for one bigger one. **

**SO PLEASE, PLEASE REVIEW and tell me what you think!**

One year after the 7-hour war.

Barney Calhoun stood there, his arms crossed and his foot tapping impatiently.

"NO! N FREAKING O, Doc!" Barney said, glaring at the man who stood (audaciously, in Barney's opinion) in front of him.

"Barney, I know I'm asking an extraordinarily difficult favor of you," Eli said pleadingly, "but we cannot live here forever. We will either run out of supplies, or be overrun by aliens, or the combine will find us and kill us all!"

"We will be fine! I will protect you and Kleiner and Alyx," Barney said, "A lot of people have died to get us here, and I'm not fixin' to waste their efforts, but I don't need to join the combine freaks!"

"We cannot stay safe forever. It's just not possible, Barney. You know that." Eli replied.

"I'm NOT joining them! You've seen what they do to people! They beat, torture and kill for FUN! I-I can't do it. It's WRONG!"

"It's what must be done. We've all got to make sacrifices," Eli said.

"WHAT sacrifice will YOU be making? What sacrifice have you made at all?" Barney spat bitterly.

Eli looked hurt, no doubt remembering his deceased wife. Azian had died a year ago during the Black Mesa Incident. Though a lot of people were killed, Barney didn't lose someone as close as Azian was to Eli. Barney immediately backed down, knowing he went too far.

"Look, doc," Barney said, regaining his composure, "I just can't do it! What if they want me to beat a woman? Or a kid? And what if I'm supposed to ship people to that prison…Nova Prospekt or whatever it's called. If they're really turning people into zombies there, then I…I can't do it!"

"What I'm asking isn't fair, Barney. If I could do anything to help, I would. But being that Kleiner and I were directly involved with the resonance cascade, we'll be killed….like Rosenburg was."

Barney hung his head, remembering what happened to Rosenburg. When the combine won earth, they took everyone and relocated them to Europe. When everyone arrived, they began running background checks on people. People were tortured and killed if they were deemed to be "threats" to the combine. Rosenburg, Dr. Bennett and Dr. Simmons were shot dead because of their involvement with the Resonance cascade- because they knew too much about teleportation technology and were a threat to the combine. Barney, Eli, Kleiner, Alyx and many others fled the camp into the forest amid a rain of gun fire from Combine pulse rifles, which ended up costing Eli his leg. A lot of people were shot and killed running, but the ones who managed to escape fled to abandoned and desolate houses in the middle of Alien-infested woods. The combine didn't even bother looking for the escapees, figuring that they would be bullsquid or antlion food. However, the refugees managed to keep the aliens at bay, mostly because the aliens were picking off wild animals for food, slowly eradicating earth's entire population of creatures once cherished.

Once in their refugee quarters, Vortigaunts- the brown aliens who plagued Black Mesa during the resonance cascade- sought them out and made peaceful contact with humans, finally providing them with an ally against the combine. A few Vortigaunts sacrificed themselves to sneak into combine cities where they were serving as janitors or maintenance hands in order to telepathically send back information about the combine to the vortigaunts living among the humans.

The Vortigaunts communicated information about the Combine, giving the refugees information about CP's, Nova Prospekt, and how the Combine controlled cities in general. All the information they received was terrible. In order to protect people from the horror of combine rule, the Vortigaunts shuffled some people out of the cities into refugee camps well outside of the cities, but they weren't able to do much because of their limited status in the combine cities, and the trek to a refugee camp was an extraordinarily long and dangerous one.

And if someone were lucky enough to make it out of the city and into the camps, the living conditions were less than ideal. Being that they were far outside the city, they were cut off from power and water, and it was very difficult to procure even the essentials. Worst of all, they were under constant threat from hostile aliens that were growing scarce on food after annihilating Earth's natural species.

Combine-controlled cities were protected from these aliens because of turrets, thumpers and other devices they installed in cities to protect them from aliens. The refugee camps in the country were considering, and relaying to each other via Vortigaunt, that if they could find hiding places within the limits of a combine-controlled city, but under the radar as to avoid detection, they would be able to have power, water, supplies and protection from ant-lions, head crabs, bull squids, and other aliens.

Other refugee camps had volunteers infiltrate the CP's, with mixed success. Some hacks were able to stomach their new positions, and procure good bases for rebels and refugees. Others, however, weren't able to bear torturing citizens in order to keep up their disguise and were, therefore, discovered and sent to Nova Prospekt for their spying.

Unfortunately, there wasn't any real established rebel camps near the city they were outside of- City 17. That was, according to the vortigaunts, one of the hardest cities to infiltrate, because it was Combine world headquarters. The closest rebel camp taken by undercover CP's was 100 miles away or more, and was actually inundated with rebels and could take no more.

"Barney," Eli said, snapping Barney back to the present, "You are not listed in the human index. A current spy can put you in the system as a non-threat and you'll be able to blend in and join CP ranks and help us from there. From there you'll be able to secure us safe-houses in or around a city, where we'll have more supplies, power, water, and everything else we need. If Kleiner or I try anything, Dr. Breen will surely recognize us! You're our only option."

Dr. Breen was the old administrator at Black Mesa. A weasely, conniving snake with a constant villainous smirk on his face, Breen was summoned by the few remaining world leaders during the seven hour war, because his facility had caused the portal in which the combine came through. Breen convinced the leaders to allow him to broker Earth's surrender and from there, the Combine instated Breen as the administrator of Earth. Barney knew that Eli was right, and Breen would never recognize him- he was the kind of prick that didn't bother remembering the faces of "lowly" security guards.

Barney ran his hand through his hair and let out an annoyed groan.

"Please, Barney," Eli said, "I know it's a monumental task, but please consider it."

That night Barney mulled over his thoughts. He wandered about the refugee houses, where a dozen people slept in one room and ate head crabs or other things that could be scrounged from the forest. He knew that this set-up wouldn't be sustainable forever. He knew that everyone's eventual plan was to take down the combine and create a revolution, but how long would that take? A year? 10? 20? 100? He had no idea how long they were going to be under combine rule. He knew that not much was brewing in terms of resistance at the moment, so it would be at least a few years, if not more.

He surveyed the rebel's resources, which were comparable to the stone ages. There was absolutely no electricity or running water. The Vortigaunts could provide electricity through their powers, but it wasn't enough to keep them with electricity all day and night, plus they couldn't use it that much because it attracted hostile aliens. Instead, rebels gathered around candles and mumbled to each other about family members who have died, or were sent to Nova Prospekt and turned into god-knows what.

With Barney serving as an undercover CP, he could shuffle citizens out of the Combine-controlled cities. The combine would think that all the citizens are dead; let their guard down because they'll think the human population is dwindling, but reality they will all be waiting outside of the city. Barney also figured that he could save people inside the city. Instead of a citizen getting beat to death by a CP, Barney could step in and pretend to beat them himself, while actually saving the person.

However, he wouldn't be able to save all of them. Barney heard the stories of the failed CP spies- not only the ones who cracked under the horrific pressure, but the ones who tried too hard to save citizens from abuse or death, and blew their cover. If Barney tried too hard to save someone, it would blow his cover to bits. If he saved too many, same story. Therefore, there would be times were Barney would be helpless and would simply have to watch as someone was beat, killed or shipped off to Nova Prospekt.

That situation simply wasn't a part of Barney's nature: to sit by and watch bad things happen to good people. Barney was always the type to get involved- to jump in when someone was getting mugged, whereas someone else would run away and not get involved and just simply hope the cops would come. Barney knew that a lot of times, his over protectiveness put him in very real danger, and maybe he did have an overly-involved persona, but he always figured it was better to be too involved and help someone than to be under-involved and maybe let someone get seriously hurt!

He would have to change his entire being in order to fit in with the CP's. Worse, still, he would not only have to NOT get involved, but he would have to be the one inflicting the pain upon someone. Barney wondered if contributing to the eventual take-down of the combine was worth having to abuse and hurt people. Would that be a big, story-book "happy" ending?

Maybe, he guessed, "happy" was really just a sum of many parts. Maybe a million crappy things would be outweighed by the monumental accomplishment of taking down the Combine.

But still, those million crappy things would exist. He would have to do atrocious things to defenseless people. Even if they were ever able to take down the Combine, these unforgivable atrocities would still weigh heavily on his soul.

Barney walked into a room where Alyx Vance, Eli's 8 year old daughter, was sleeping. She was attacked just today by an antlion, which was why Eli was so insistent on moving them into the city ASAP. Barney had to admit that seeing Alyx almost impaled by an antlion made him sick to his stomach with panic. He had to shoot the antlion himself and carry Alyx back with extremely shaky hands. Barney had fought so hard to keep Alyx safe, and it was almost gone in an instant that day. Barney didn't like the prospect of joining the ironically named Civil "Protection," but the idea of losing innocent Alyx Vance to a bullsquid, or an antlion, or some other horrendous alien was worse.

It took him many days to accept the idea, and he never actually fully accepted it, but he finally reluctantly agreed to join the Civil Protection.


	2. The Interview

Barney sat in a empty room. Cold gray concrete walls fit magnificently with the ominous, black jacket and white mask-clad figure in front of him. The figure looked like a ghostly alien robot, but underneath was a human- a traitor- like Barney apparently wanted to become.

"Your name?" the robotic voice asked emotionlessly.

"B-*ahem*- Barney-I mean Bernard Calhoun," he replied.

"_Come ON, Barney! Don't act nervous, don't act nervous, don't act nervous," _he said in cadence in his own head.

The Metrocop gave one short laugh.

"What kinda name's Bernard?" he mocked.

Barney wanted to punch him, but he controlled himself and just shrugged, "Dunno. Just one my dumbass parents gave me."

The Metrocop nodded approvingly at the insult to Barney's own parents. He typed Barney's name into the computer. Barney's pulse was racing and his heart was thumping loudly in his chest. He tried to control his own breathing, but to very limited success. For a moment that lasted eternity, Barney wondered frantically what he would have to do if his name didn't come up in the computer like it was supposed to.

"Apartment block 15?" the metrocop said, "What a dump."

Barney used every fiber of self-control in his body to night audibly sigh with relief that his name was put into the system successfully.

Instead, Barney relaxed his face and replied coldly, "Why do you think I'm here? I wanna get outta that hell-hole and into a decent apartment. Let all of the other dumbass citizens rot in their shit dens."

The words coming out of his mouth felt foreign. His own vocal cords and lips didn't even feel like his own. It felt as if someone had implanted a new speech system onto Barney's own body, and these external invaders were mutinous to their host.

The Metrocop laughed, "I hear that. But you realize this job requires…appropriate punishment…of those dumbass citizens you mentioned. I don't want another fuckin' pussy on my squad- flinching at it instead of enjoying it."

"Psssh," Barney scoffed defiantly, "Me? Yeah fuckin' right. I can't stand another damn minute with those….that filth! Always bitchin' and moaning about this or that. Believe me I won't have any problem giving them….what they deserve," he finished vaguely with a smirk.

In his own mind, Barney meant it as "giving them what they deserve- freedom from the combine," but he was sure the stupid CP supervisor took it "What they deserve- a beating."

The CP laughed approvingly, "Hell yeah. I beat these two dumbass citizens just an hour ago for mouthing off about their food rations. Ungrateful maggots."

And then Barney faced a crisis of body. His head was screaming at him to play along and survive, but his heart was longing for Barney to jump up and choke the life out of the CP, all while yelling at him for being a traitor to the human race.

His mind won, and Barney's neck muscles bent reluctantly down, than sprang back up and his already traitorous vocal cords let out a grizzled laugh. The CP typed a few more things before a machine spat out a paper, which was handed to Barney.

"Here's your assignment, codes and apartment number. Equipment's down the hall on the right. I'll have A168 train you. Be back here at 5:00 a.m. tomorrow."

Barney nodded stoically and took the paper. He stood up and, unsure of what to say, just nodded and mumbled, "Alright then."

"Okay B736- and remember: Don't fuckin' let me down."

Barney nodded obediently before walking down the hall into the equipment room. Once inside he leaned against the wall, clamping his eyes shut tight and exhaling deeply.

"Fuckin' A!" Barney whispered to himself, "Pull yourself together, Calhoun. You're gonnna need a much thicker skin than this to get through this."

He stepped into a body scanner, punched in his CP codes from the paper and stood there while the scanner measured his proportions. It than spat him out yet another piece of paper, staying that CP uniforms would be delivered to his apartment. He then went into the next room, was given a helmet, stun-stick and a pistol with extra clips of ammo as well as some more papers. Barney then dragged his feet back to his new apartment.

His new building was nicer, but far from luxury. It was fenced off, with a computer terminal outside of the fence for people to enter their CP codes to get in. The building had a food ration machine in the small court yard outside. Barney walked in the building and up two floors to his room. The room was small- only about the size of his dorm at Black Mesa- but it was nicer. It wasn't extravagance, but it was clean, furnished with furniture that didn't look like people probably died on it, and didn't smell disgusting. The walls were appropriately stark white and gloomy, giving the overall look of the place that of a dim hospital room.

As expected, uniforms were waiting on his bed. A stack of green pants, black socks and t-shirts in both black and gray sat underneath a bulky, long-sleeved CP armored vest. Two utility belts were on the side, and two pairs of leather combat boots sat on the ground at the foot of the bed.

Part of him wanted to take the pile of clothes and burn them, or at least throw them onto the floor. However, a morbid part of him wanted to see them on. He reasoned that it would help him come to terms with his new traitorous position, but even he couldn't quite accept this excuse. He put on the entire getup, and after zipping his boots he moved to the bed and put on the heavy CP jacket. He didn't know if it was this heavy naturally, or if it was the weight of the coming future pressing on his chest. He looked at himself in the mirror- aged 26 but looking weary long beyond his years.

He sighed, closed his eyes and prayed to whoever was listening.

"Whoever can hear this- please forgive me!" he whispered.


	3. Duty Calls

The first month was the worst month of his life- even worse than the Black Mesa incident and even the Seven-hour War. In fact, it was probably worse than them put together. Citizens hated him, and he didn't even fit in with the other CP's because he didn't take joy in his horrid duties.

The worst part, however, was beating up the civilians. The first time was particularly brutal, and it was a day burned into Barney's memory that he would never be able to forget. A man tried to throw a punch at the CP who was training Barney, and Barney was instructed by his superior to beat the man as "training." Barney reluctantly hit the man with his stun-stick while his wife sobbed horribly and watched in terror. The stick dug into the man's body with a grotesque "thump" each time. Barney tried to spread the hits out around his body instead of annihilating one spot, but it still didn't mean he wasn't causing considerable pain to the poor man. With each hit the man sobbed loudly and wailed with pain, crying out for Barney to stop.

Barney had tears pouring down his own face, which made him grateful for the mask he was wearing. He was also grateful for the mask, because the poor citizen and his wife wouldn't be able to see Barney's face. They wouldn't be able to remember Barney as the monster that savagely beat the unarmed man.

Barney finally stopped when the man lost consciousness from the pain and was left a bloody heap on the floor, breathing in shallow breaths. They simply left them there, forcing the wife to drag the husband back to their assigned apartment.

Barney's trainer told him he did a "good job," and especially praised how he beat "every inch of that sonofabitch." The CP offered to have lunch with Barney, but Barney made an excuse to duck out of sight and throw up in a side street.

As he vomited, another CP walked over to him, his shadow eclipsing any visibility of his ghost-masked face.

"Another hack?" he asked.

"Wh-I…Don't know what…you're talking about." Barney gasped through retches, "I just…ate something…bad."

"Yeah, yeah, like I haven't seen this before," the robotic voice said before the man took off his mask, "It's okay. I'm undercover, too. Been for about 2 months now. Rick Bowman."

The man seemed a bit older than Barney, maybe mid to late 30's. He had slicked back dark brown hair, brown eyes and a straight nose. He looked friendly enough, and taking off your CP helmet was not something CP's did- they liked to keep up with their menacing, intimidating anonymity.

Barney spat and then wiped his mouth with his left sleeve before shaking Rick's hand with his right, "Barney Calhoun."

Rick leaned sideways and got a better look at his face, "Well, we'll probably be working together to get citizens out to safety, so I'm B612."

"B736" Barney replied.

Rick nodded, "Bit of advice," he said simply, "hit the arms and legs all you want, won't really matter that much. Avoid the upper abdomen, 'cuz I've seen the shock of a stun-stuck stop a guy's heart."

Barney looked sick again, but Rick didn't seem to notice as he continued, "Try to avoid the abdomen at all, since all the organs are there. If you MUST, go for the really meaty part at the very bottom, near the intestines. Avoid the head at all cost, but they'll probably be protecting their heads with their arms so you can PRETEND like you're going for the head, but really just jab the arms."

He pantomimed a person covering their arms, displaying where one would be able to pretend like they're aiming for head but getting arm instead.

"When you're hitting from behind," Rick continued, "avoid the back of the neck and spine, and the ribs if you can. The best spot is the ass and kidneys. The kidneys are especially great because they bruise up nice and good, which the CP's love, but the citizen will be okay."

Barney nodded grimly, frowning with a look of undeniable misery on his face.

"Oh, and if you need to puke, go to an alley- not a side street. CP's stay away from alley's, since they smell so rank."

Barney nodded again.

"Alright, well I gotta get back to my post. Get your helmet back on and go back to your own post," Rick ordered, patting him on the shoulder slightly.

Barney looked miserable at the prospect of having to put his helmet back on and go back to work. Therefore, before Rick put his own helmet on, he looked at Barney sympathetically.

"What CP apartment are you in?"

"3" Barney replied.

"No shit? So am I. Sixth floor room 12. You can come find me if you need me," he offered before putting his helmet back on.

"Thanks," Barney said, putting on his own and walking away. His stomach was still in a lurch, and he wasn't even able to eat anything that night.

This continued for each time he had to viciously beat a helpless citizen. Barney would almost immediately vomit behind a corner, covering his face with a grotesque mixture of tears, sweat, snot and vomit. Barney eventually stopped eating during the day, which helped a little.

Each day he threw up after beating someone was terrible. But to Barney, what was worse was the day when he finally stopped throwing up- when he finally had become conditioned to doing this to innocent people.

This happened after about the first month or so. He also remembered that one vividly. The man threw his unappetizing bag of "food" at the Barney. The man was clearly starting to become unhinged from the oppression and lack of actual, real food. The CP Barney was on patrol with almost pulled out his pistol, but Barney pulled out his baton and struck his shoulder, sending the man to the floor before giving him three more thumps around the kidneys. His back was slightly visible from the tattered, ripped condition of his ragged civilian clothing, and it was easy to see several large hematomas appear almost instantly on the man's skin.

While it still made him upset, angry, and distressed, it ceased to make him sick to his stomach. That day he knew that a chunk of his soul had been sacrificed for the sake of staying a spy.

* * *

><p>By becoming a CP, Barney had accomplished his initial goals- with Rick's help, he had gotten Eli, Alyx, Kleiner, and many, many others into safe areas within the city limits. He had easily saved hundreds of people by taking them out of refugee camps or out of City 17 and relocating them to places such as Ravelholm- a mining town directly adjacent to City 17- and the oddly named Black Mesa East- a base where Eli and many other rebels worked on technology to eventually take down the combine.<p>

Occasionally, Barney would check in at these places, and all of the rebels welcomed Barney with a warm, almost hero's welcome every time. They all owed their survival to Barney, Rick and a handful of other spies, and they didn't skimp out when it came to showing their gratitude.

However, it was very hard for Barney to accept their praise and gratitude. Every time he received a jovial welcome from people he had rescued the week prior, he was trapped by the vast, all-encompassing guilt he felt from beating a civilian or two that day, or even just thumping someone over the head once. He would give an uncomfortable smile, say thanks and try desperately to get away from the awkward situation.

No one understood what he was going through. Eli and Kleiner and many others tried to say it was okay, but it was definitely NOT okay. Not a single part of his situation was okay in the least bit. He wondered if it ever would be. Like most people, Barney fantasized about life without the combine- he thought about people having children again, about people laughing, falling in love, playing, and the whole gambit.

However, his happy day-dreams were juxtaposed against his fears that his soul would be tarnished forever by the vastness of his life's atrocities. He wondered if he was able to help deliver the future that everyone dreamed about, would these sins be erased? Does doing the wrong thing for the right reason make it okay?

He would probably never know the answer to these questions that haunted him, but he kept himself going by focusing on the potential goodness that could strangely come from his wicked deeds. Unrelentingly focusing on the good kept him going. At least for now...

**So that's it for now. Just something that's been sitting on my HD for a while that I finally decided to clean up and publish. Barney's position in the HL2 universe has always fascinated me. I've spent hours thinking how covertly complex his character is- he's a good person who is forced to do horrible things every day in order to keep his cover, and I would imagine that would be an incredibly difficult life to live. So I just wanted to express it in writing. Hope ya'll enjoy it. Feel free to leave any review you want. **


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